I've spent the past four years being single. There were times when I was saddened by it, but for the most part, I was content with my existence. Sure, I had resigned myself to being the "cat lady" or perhaps traveling the world throughout my life and taking a foreign lover here and there. I sure as hell wasn't motivated to go on the hunt for a mate...too much trouble.
During my April break from work, I decided it was high time I visited my college friend Mary in New Orleans. It had been 6 years since I last saw her at her wedding and we had tons of catching up to do. While I was there, her hubby and I got into a discussion about my sorry single state, and since he just had his 20 year high school reunion, he started to think about possible contenders. One name came to his mind and I was directed to his webpage. Upon first glance, he was certainly not my type, but there was something about him that made me want to connect. So I shot him a quick e-mail and I received one in return the next day. We wrote back and forth for a few days before we decided to move to the phone. He called at 7:30 on a Friday night...and I kid you not...we were on until 4:30 that morning. the next day, he booked a trip to NY for my birthday celebration the following weekend...
It was certainly a nerve wracking moment when the doorbell rang and I knew who was on the other side. Would I find him attractive in person? Would there be any chemistry at all? Luckily, all went well. He spent two days with me, met all my friends and even met Mom. He went back home and we continued to talk everyday for hours until he traveled back to me last weekend. Once again, things were awesome. A great guy and everything I never knew I always wanted...
Now, I know long distance relationships are crazy, but as far as he was concerned, it would only be for a year or so before he would make the move to NY. He found who he had been looking for all these years, and I feel the same way. I can honestly see spending my life with this man. Long ago, I made a list of things I wanted and didn't want in a mate, and as if he was tailor made for me, every "pro" box was checked...
But his problem is the need for immediate gratification. He misses me and hates it and when his thoughts travel down that route, he begins to get negative and think that this is an impossible situation and perhaps we should jump ship. In my view, it's certianly not so. Difficult? Yes. But not impossible. We have both waited this long to find each other...what's another year apart when it could mean a lifetime together?
I'm planning on getting out to him in July when my work schedule is lighter and he's very excited about introducing me to his family and friends, but instead of focusing on the good and the time we will have in each other's company, he is already thinking about missing me when I leave. I mean...Jeez! Enjoy the moment or they will pass you by.
So, I really don't know where things will go from here. I know he'll come back around and things will be hunky dory...until the next time he has a freak attack. Can I keep doing this throughout the next however long? Trying to talk him down from the ledge, so to speak? I kinda think I shouldn't have to...that he needs to go through these phases on his own, know I'm there if he needs to vent, but other than that, why should I sell him on this relationship? As far as I'm concerned...if it is meant to be, then it will be.
Am I crazy to have hope here or to feel it is worth the effort?
During my April break from work, I decided it was high time I visited my college friend Mary in New Orleans. It had been 6 years since I last saw her at her wedding and we had tons of catching up to do. While I was there, her hubby and I got into a discussion about my sorry single state, and since he just had his 20 year high school reunion, he started to think about possible contenders. One name came to his mind and I was directed to his webpage. Upon first glance, he was certainly not my type, but there was something about him that made me want to connect. So I shot him a quick e-mail and I received one in return the next day. We wrote back and forth for a few days before we decided to move to the phone. He called at 7:30 on a Friday night...and I kid you not...we were on until 4:30 that morning. the next day, he booked a trip to NY for my birthday celebration the following weekend...
It was certainly a nerve wracking moment when the doorbell rang and I knew who was on the other side. Would I find him attractive in person? Would there be any chemistry at all? Luckily, all went well. He spent two days with me, met all my friends and even met Mom. He went back home and we continued to talk everyday for hours until he traveled back to me last weekend. Once again, things were awesome. A great guy and everything I never knew I always wanted...
Now, I know long distance relationships are crazy, but as far as he was concerned, it would only be for a year or so before he would make the move to NY. He found who he had been looking for all these years, and I feel the same way. I can honestly see spending my life with this man. Long ago, I made a list of things I wanted and didn't want in a mate, and as if he was tailor made for me, every "pro" box was checked...
But his problem is the need for immediate gratification. He misses me and hates it and when his thoughts travel down that route, he begins to get negative and think that this is an impossible situation and perhaps we should jump ship. In my view, it's certianly not so. Difficult? Yes. But not impossible. We have both waited this long to find each other...what's another year apart when it could mean a lifetime together?
I'm planning on getting out to him in July when my work schedule is lighter and he's very excited about introducing me to his family and friends, but instead of focusing on the good and the time we will have in each other's company, he is already thinking about missing me when I leave. I mean...Jeez! Enjoy the moment or they will pass you by.
So, I really don't know where things will go from here. I know he'll come back around and things will be hunky dory...until the next time he has a freak attack. Can I keep doing this throughout the next however long? Trying to talk him down from the ledge, so to speak? I kinda think I shouldn't have to...that he needs to go through these phases on his own, know I'm there if he needs to vent, but other than that, why should I sell him on this relationship? As far as I'm concerned...if it is meant to be, then it will be.
Am I crazy to have hope here or to feel it is worth the effort?
posted by:
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New York City
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Re: Over Before it Begins?
Sat, May 31, 2008 - 12:23 PMHmm, you say you've not been in a relationship for four years? How long is it for him between relationships? In any case, I do hope it works out for the both of you.
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Re: Over Before it Begins?
Sat, May 31, 2008 - 12:48 PMI think long distance can work for a short period of time but it is hard and visiting isn't the same as experiencing the day to day with someone. I am not a good person to give input because someday I will write a book called... To Hell and Back and Internet Love Story... I moved cross country for a boy from Lousiana and it just didn't work for us.
But I think it depends on the couple and the actual connection you have. Take this time to get to know him better and if he keeps tripping out maybe he has a hard time sustaining the momentum from far away and it scares him. I wish you both the love your desire, with each other. And congratulations on opening to someone. That seems to be the big thing after a long period of No one at all.
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Re: Over Before it Begins?
Sat, May 31, 2008 - 12:55 PM>>And congratulations on opening to someone. That seems to be the big thing after a long period of No one at all.<<
You know what, Pie....you've hit it exactly! For me, that is the most important thing at the moment. Over the past four years I have built up walls and it was so easy to open myself up to him. Other than the distance thing, it has been an effortless journey...the incredible ease we felt with each other from the very start was something incredibly special. I can totally be myself with him. And I can honestly say, if things don't work out, I will have had a very positive experience all around. -
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Re: Over Before it Begins?
Sat, May 31, 2008 - 8:57 PMI know this one intimately. I have a lot of walls up myself and am hoping I won't be shut down forever, but for now I am very cautious and not seeing an end to the cautious.
:) All the relationships I have been in, good or bad, I always gained something incredible from the experience, even if it was just showing me it was possible to love again. sigh.
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Re: Over Before it Begins?
Sat, May 31, 2008 - 2:05 PMI don't think you should have to make such an effort to sell him on it. Most definitely not. That's something you can't change about him, he'll have to change it himself, if he wants to and decides to put the effort in. You can try to change people all you want, but unless they decide to consciously put the effort into changing their behavior, your effort is usually ill-spent. Anyways, just my two cents. But yes, Queenie had an excellent remark about the fact that you're opening yourself up to the experience. :)
